Changing emotions  continued
by KlikStar
Summary: If emotions can change once then maybe they can change again, because sometimes it just takes being surrounded by darkness to make you see things more clearly.
1. Chapter 1

A while ago I wrote a story called 'Changing emotions' and several people asked if it would be continued. At the time I didn't think it would be, but then my struggling muse got a shot of inspriation and so a continuation was born. I apologise for it not being an IBD update, or a new chapter for some of my other stories, but considering how little time I have at the moment to write I wanted to finish this idea while it was still alive within me.

I have proof read and edited it, but am sure there are still a few mistakes so sorry about that. I just don't want to change anymore bits in case it loses the original feel of what I was writing. Anyway, I hope you enjoy.

Additional note: Is anyone else having as much trouble posting stuff at the moment as I am?

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Changing emotions continued – Zack's POV

Zack had regrets, so may Gaia damned regrets. Things he could only wish he'd never done and were now impossible to undo. Words he'd said which should never have been spoken and couldn't be taken back. All he could do was pray that, in some small way, he was now making up for his mistakes with his current actions. That by making his sole purpose for living be about protecting Cloud, now that they were finally free, he might one day have a chance for forgiveness. However tiny it might be.

Looking at the blond beside him the soldier felt his insides clench painfully once more, memories of the past and the things he had done rushing through him and making his chest feel so painfully tight it was almost impossible to breathe. He'd failed to protect Cloud in so many ways, failed to keep him safe from harm even before everything had gone to hell. They'd had something so special before he'd let it slip away, before he'd taken the cadet's unconditional love for granted and decided to throw it away like last weeks trash. He knew that now.

He'd planned to talk to Cloud upon their return to Midgar, to explain what he was thinking and feeling and suggest they take a break for a while so he could clear his head. At the time it had seemed like such a good idea, to be honest about these things and see what happened as a result of them. Deep down inside he'd known that it would hurt the blond, that the betrayal would probably be something their relationship might never recover from, but still he'd been willing to do it. It was only now that he realised what a mistake it had been.

Without a doubt Cloud was the most precious thing to him on all of Gaia, the most important thing in his life, and it had taken nearly losing the cadet to make him realise that. No, not nearly, but actually losing him. Because, although the blonds' body continued to live, there was an emptiness within him, a distance between them caused not only by Cloud's severe case of mako poisoning, but also his own selfish actions. He was certain of it. It was for this reason that a bitter sense of irony constantly ate way inside of him these days, his heart aching each time he looked into those swirling green orbs and it remember how beautiful and blue they had once been. The reality of his love actually being lost to him, now hurting worse than any torture Hojo had forced him to endure.

But, what about Cloud's pain? What about the agony the cadet had been forced to endure all that time within the lab? No, he knew that was wrong. Understood that Cloud's suffering had begun long before any of those experiences. The blonds' sprit having been tortured long before the endless pricks of cold needles through his pale skin, his soul having being abused so much earlier than his body as the harsh burn of unknown chemicals were forced to race through his veins and his delicate flesh was cut by sharp blades of metal wielded with a cruel master's hand. That, in reality, his Spiky's misery had really started from the minute he'd begun to pull away from the cadet back in Midgar and made the foolish decision to hold back his feelings from the one he loved.

It was a crime worse than anything that mad-man had done because, unlike that deranged lunatic, he'd wounded Cloud's heart without a good reason. That wasn't to say that trying to recreate the perfect soldier in such a barbaric way was right, but still Hojo's twisted intentions somehow paled in comparison to his own selfishness and personal arrogance of thinking he knew what was best for them. His own stupidity and self-centredness making his actions more cruel than any of the professor's as they'd cut viciously into the blonds' heart far deeper than any scalpel could ever possibly reach.

They hadn't even had a chance to talk about it, to share a word or two about their feelings before Cloud's mind had slipped away. The opportunity never coming up or the timing never being right. To start with there had been the awkwardness of the cadet being back home again, something which the soldier hadn't realised would upset the blond so much. Of course, he would have known if he'd really cared, if he'd taken even one minute to stop worrying about himself and instead think about someone who'd been …. no, who was so important to him.

Then there had been Sephiroth's mental instability, the great general's decent into madness taking men, women and children with it as he'd reduced the town to flame and ash all around them. And Gaia, hadn't Cloud suffered then as well? The already emotionally beaten cadet losing what little family he had on top of already feeling the loss of the one he'd confessed to loving with all his heart. And yes, Zack knew that Cloud had known their love was lost. That, in some way, the soldier had been intending to break up with him. He'd never said it though, never asked for confirmation of his fears, but it had been there in his eyes all the same. Those glorious sapphire spheres so dull and filled with sorrow before they had become lost to green mist, the raw pain he'd seen exposed in their depths having already been there long before Hojo had even begun to inflict the physical trauma to their bodies.

After that there'd been the professor himself. The twisted lunatic never giving them a moment to actually heal mentally, emotionally or physically. His determination to create something from them, to gain back what had been lost, driving him to put them through more experiments than any man, or creature, should have been forced to endure. Cloud had suffered so much at the hands of that mad-man, had been made into the focal guinea pig because of his unexpected ability to kill the mighty Sephiroth. A simple country boy, from a back water town, having taken down the one person who was supposed to have been an untouchable god amongst men. Zack still didn't know how his Spiky had managed to do that, where his love had drawn such strength from to achieve such a mighty feat. Yet, the fact they lived showed he had and that in itself spoke volumes of what still went unsaid between them.

A vague recollection of the cadet's words in the reactor, before he'd gone to face the silver haired demon, was all it took these days to make the soldier sick to his stomach each time they floated to the front of his mind. Angered and hurt ocean coloured orbs holding his own fluttering violet ones but for a moment before they were gone again. The fathomless depths filled with desperate love and indescribable anguish as they spoke the words Cloud didn't have time to say himself. Words that still made it hard for Zack to breathe when he saw them reflected in the memory of broken pools of blue.

He knew that they had both fallen in that battle, that his fading sight had been able to catch a glimpse of Cloud one last time as he watched the blond collapse and slide down the stairs to rest beside him. He also knew it had been that fight which had made him realise what a fool he'd been, understood that it took that battle to make him see his mistake in thinking he didn't love his Spiky anyone. Had taken that sickening twist in his gut at imagining they would never be together again, when the cadet had fallen almost lifeless at his side with clothes stained bright red, to make him understand his true feelings for the blond. It wasn't that he didn't love Cloud anymore, nor that he really doubted what they had together, but more about his personal and completely irrational fear of losing something so precious once more that he'd tried to deny how much it really meant to him.

But, in the end, it had been that foolish and illogical way of thinking which had led him to make the wrong decision. That unjustified reason which had encouraged him to be afraid of what would happen if someone else he cared greatly for left him. That ridiculous and unjustified terror that made him unfairly push Cloud away and in turn hurt the one person who now meant more to him than life itself. That deep rooted dread of being broken again making him imagine the worst before it had even happened, made him act first so that he wouldn't be betrayed by someone he loved so much once more, and fooled him into thinking that it would be best to end things now before he could be hurt so deeply again.

And yet, for all his own heart-ache, and the pain which had befallen him, it was still Cloud who'd ended up suffering the most for that mistake. His mistake of pushing away someone wonderful because he was afraid of losing them, his error at thinking it would be best to distance himself from the cadet sooner instead of having the blond eventually leave him just like Angeal had done. Because his heart wouldn't have been able to handle that betrayal again, not one which cut so deeply he knew it could never be healed if felt for a second time.

Except, now, as he looked over at the vacant cadet beside him once more, the soldier couldn't help but feel that maybe it was already too late. That because of his foolish thoughts and actions Cloud was already lost to him, that he would never be able to make up for his mistakes, would never get a chance to ask for forgiveness for pulling away, and never be given the opportunity to tell the cadet how he really felt. Fate had truly dealt him a cruel blow for taking his love for granted, for acting like a spoilt child and hurting another first so that he wouldn't be hurt himself, and it had been a horribly painful lesson to learn.

He was ashamed to admit that it had taken watching the love of his life being tortured endlessly to make him understand how wrong he'd been, the endless days of a different kind of pain making him realise he would do anything to go back to what had been before. Took witnessing the pure-of-soul blond he'd given his heart too break a little more every day under Hojo's manipulation to make the soldier see just what he'd really lost, knowing that it wasn't just his young lover's body but also his innocent mind that was weakening until there was nothing left of the cadet he'd met that day in the snow.

What hurt the most these days, as he wondered the world alone with his thoughts, were the voices inside his head whispering poisonous words that it had all been his fault. That it was because of his own cold words and actions, because of his selfish desire to hide away from how he really felt, that this injustice had even been allowed to happen. That it was his own cruel rejection of Cloud's feelings in the first place which had given the professor's spiteful and condescending words a chance to do so much damage to his precious Spiky's weakened self-confidence. There was no doubt in his mind that the blonds' damaged psyche had already been terribly fragile long before that mad-man's mind games had truly begun, that it was his fault and no one else's that there had been such horrible cracks in the cadet's mental and emotional defences which both Hojo and Jenova had used to their full advantage.

Now though all he could do was take care of the one he loved and hope that some day he would have a chance to explain himself properly. For the moment repenting his sins and trying to atone for them in the only way possible, by keeping his love safe from all and any harm which could befall them. His silent mantra on an endless loop from dusk till dawn that one day they would be able to stop running, to stop hiding, and that Cloud would wake fully so that they could start again. If he wanted to that was.

Sadly Zack knew he had no right to expect the blond to simply forgive him and forget about the things he'd been made to endure. The soldier understanding that he wouldn't hold it against the cadet if he didn't want to stay by his side anymore. He'd accepted long ago that it would be a blessing from Gaia if his Spiky forgave him for all that he'd done, if the blond accepted his apologies and was willing to start fresh with their new life together.

For now though he had other concerns, like where they would get their next meal from or where he might find clean drinkable water. They had no money and even if they did it would be foolish to go into town and use it, Shinra's army still tracking them every minute of the day and the Turk's not far behind at night. He needed sleep, to rest for a while, but it was a gamble to close his eyes. The fear always there in his dreams that he'd wake up back in the labs, that he'd fail Cloud again and allow them to end up back in hell once more. He'd die before that every happened, before he let them be dragged back to that place again.

He'd said something along those lines to Cloud once and though the cadet couldn't answer verbally he was sure the blond had understood and agreed. It had been the only thing his Spiky had responded too in a long time, which hurt for reasons he new were selfish and unjustified. After all, it was childish to be jealous and bitter when a quickly spoken promise of death rather than continued torture got more response than days and nights of endless one-sided banter. When an offer of lifeless freedom rather than further pain caused a reaction that hours of loving and kind words had not been able to create, the cadet managing to reach the surface of his mind long enough to show that it was something he wanted too before fading away again completely.

The far away sound of an engine drew the soldier's thoughts from his inner turmoil and he looked up to see a flash of yellow in the distance, a truck only just visible on the horizon but close enough that Zack allowed himself to finally feel a sense of hope in what he was doing.

"I told you I'd work something out." He huffed a little breathlessly as he tried to stand. His tired body protesting the use of limbs to keep its own shaky form up, let alone completely support that of another. "Just got to have faith." The soldier whispered more to himself, that knife in his gut once more twisting as his conflicting thoughts began to rise to the surface again. The endless loop of broken love, hurt and betrayal starting over from the beginning so that as the vehicle became clearer to see he was already hurrying to push back the tears which had risen to blur his vision.

"I'll get you to a friend of mine and then we'll be ok." Zack tried to reassure, his breath catching as he continued to speak and the yellow truck began to slow as it approached them. "She's got a gift Spiky, I swear. And once you're better we'll talk, I promise."

A few minutes later and they were settled in the back and hurtling towards Midgar, the driver's friendly face and warm smile having given life back to the soldier's broken spirit and hope to his fractured heart. He knew they still had a long way to go, that things would not be easy between them at first, but that as long as they had each other everything would be alright. His violet eyes filled with love and tenderness as they watched the distant cadet sway slightly to the rocking motions of the vehicle's movements, his thoughts preoccupied with the possibilities of their future together and completely unaware that not too far ahead of them stood an army intent on ripping all of it way from him.


	2. Chapter 2

Changing emotions continued – Cloud's POV

First there was noise, so much loud and unforgiving noise. And then quiet, a silence so profound it was like that of the grave.

Next came a sense of smell, strange scents now drifting in the air all around him. Unidentifiable fragrances which burnt through his clouded mind and ate away at his foggy memory almost as if their meaning was being re-learnt, or perhaps simply being relived, with a newly formed awareness of them.

An impression of freedom floated through his mind along with the scents being carried on the breeze. A distant awareness of relief flowing through his shattered psyche as he found himself able to breath more easily. A heady aroma of damp earth and sky soothing his torn sprit because with them came a feeling of knowing that these things were good and wanted, that they had been sorely missed and in turn desperately needed. Even if their meaning was still unknown to him

Yet, for all those that were somehow familiar, and perhaps even welcomed to his troubled heart, there was also one that was not. It's aroma not entirely forgotten, but still too far away from conscious thought to be recognised properly. Something more easily known for its metallic taste in the back of your throat, a vague memory of its harsh copper flavour on his tongue, and its cruel ability to silently remind a tormented soul of never-ending pain and suffering.

So much pain. So much suffering. Endless torture and fear.

And then something else, something equally unwelcome as it drifted maliciously in the air around him.

Sulphur, gun powder, burnt flesh. Death.

Confused sapphire eyes flickered open once more, the realms of white and green finally melting away enough to reveal more of the real world around them. Mako enhanced orbs focusing through the darkness made by stormy skies and taking in all that was there to be seen, the rain falling onto a long forgotten brown substance and settling in some places to make strange pools of liquid which were different to what was known.

For so long he'd drifted in an emerald coloured water that this sight made him hesitate, sensations of burning pain and agony making him pause as memories of liquid jade being pumped into him and poured over him filled his mind. But this substance was different as it rippled before him, as clear stuff just like it fell from the skies overhead and covered his weak unmoving form and the ground around him. It didn't hurt like the green fluid did, didn't eat away at his insides and whisper in his head like the other kind had done. Instead it settled on everything it touched and moved harmlessly over the earth in small streams, the rain mixing with the mud to become discoloured so that it looked like melted chocolate as it travelled across the wasteland before him. Expect, not all of it was brown.

Vivid colours were made to stand out even more as heightened senses focused on what was all to well known and feared, as rivers of crimson made themselves clearly seen and the significance of the other smells began to take shape in the blond's head. Blood, the substance of life, flowing all around him now. The essence of every living creature no longer contained as it should be within a body, but instead free to move as it pleased. Or as another pleased, depending on the value of your existence.

Cloud couldn't remember why that part was important, why his heart clenched at the thought of his worth. He had no value in this world, the scary thin man had said so repeatedly, the word failure now echoing endlessly inside his head. And yet this blood was not his, not this time. The flickering memories of seeing rivers of red flowing away from his own body making him shudder and shiver, images of scarlet ribbons on deathly pale skin reminding him that at one time he'd been important. That, for a short while, and for some unknown reason, he'd been of value to someone.

Except, something about that made him feel sick. Made his heart race and his breathing become quickened in a state of panic. Who had he been important to and why? What had they needed him for? And why did it make him feel scared rather than happy?

Other questions filled his waking mind now as he struggled to collect his thoughts, confusion and uncertainty riding high above everything else. Nothing here was familiar and what was easily recognised for some reason made him want to run away and hide. The sights, sounds and smells which filled his over sensitised body pulling it in every direction. The desire to escape or simply disappear already beginning to consume him as he instinctively drew his weak limbs closer to his chest and tried to curl in upon himself defensively.

This was not his world, not where he belonged. But who had brought him here and where had they gone? Why was he now alone in this place with no memory of how they'd got there?

Swirling thoughts danced across his mind too fast to actually be seen, images of violet eyes in the darkness and a wondrous smile on a handsome face making something warm and unexpected stir within him. Sudden memories of pleasure at someone's touch becoming fleeting and uncertain as they combined with the pain of another's. The hurt running deep as he felt the betrayal of the tender caresses he'd needed being taken from him, only to have them replaced by another's hands which were cold, cruel and unkind. The brief moment of peace these thoughts had brought turning to pain, as he remembered how the joy which had been felt long ago became heart-ache. The emotional agony of being abandoned by someone important becoming worse as memories of the physical torture which had replaced it merged with them until he no longer knew which pain had been caused first, or by who's hand it had been dealt.

Why did he remember feeling at peace when the raven haired man smiled at him? Why did it hurt to see that same expression starting to become forced upon that handsome face? Why did he also experience a sense of loss to recall how it had once filled him with such happiness when accompanied by sparkling violet eyes? Why was his breath catching so cruelly at thoughts of being held in strong arms and for some reason feeling like he was safe? Like he was wanted? Like he was loved? And why was there now a strange damp heat running down over his cold cheeks as he remembered feeling that warm body lying beside him, but being unable to touch it ever again?

Suddenly it was as if all the tortures he'd endured were thrown at him, each one a photograph that flashed in front of his eyes only to disappear again before it had a chance to be seen clearly. The whole thing happening in less time than it took his heart to beat and leaving him to choke on a sob of despair as he found himself all to happy to let them all go. The things he'd seen being enough to let him known that, for now at least, it was best if these memories were left buried and forgotten.

Cloud didn't argue with the voices which whispered to him this time, didn't fight them or try to pull away as they seemed to sooth his fraying nerves and tattered soul. Instead he let them calm what was left of his rational mind and allowed them to close the door on those things, trusting that they were right and that perhaps one day he would be able to look at them properly. His memories of the one who'd once made him smile and feel complete being shut away along with images of the one who'd made him bleed, both having made him hurt in some way and no longer being people he wanted to remember for the pain they had caused him.

It was perhaps unexpected then that a moment later he felt himself being guided towards somewhere, his aching body fighting to move as it felt itself being drawn in the direction of another place on that wet barren wasteland. Disused muscles struggled to perform even the simplest of functions, as they pulled themselves along the muddied ground to reach their destination. To reach the strangely familiar figure currently lying in a pool of bright shimmering crimson in front of him. A feeling of confusion washing through him as the unknown man began to smile softly at him despite the pain evident in bright lavender eyes. The dark haired person looking at him in a way that seemed to show love and happiness, despite the fact he was dying, almost as if he'd finally found a sense of peace after years of suffering.

A name surfaced in his mind then, a single word slipping through the cracks so that he spoke it hesitantly. His voice wavering and clearly unsure of how or why he had spoken it.

"Zack?"

A wave of pain seemed to ripple though the other upon hearing it, his handsome features scrunching up momentarily before he was able to pull himself together again. A tender smile forming on his lips as they opened to release the words which needed to be heard, a faint pleading look flickering within bright violet orbs framed in a wash of crimson.

"For the … both of us."

Cloud didn't understand what had been said or the reason behind it. His confusion only becoming worse as he tried to question so many things, his voice faltering as he found himself only able to echo the words which had been spoken.

"Both … of us?"

"That's right … you're gonna ..." The raven haired man forced out, his own voice cracking with emotion as he tried again, the pained tone clearly showing that there was more meaning behind what was being said.

The blond was at a loss for words, his own thoughts silent as they tried in vain to understand what he'd heard.

"You're gonna?" He repeated, unsure what else to say or do as the other appeared to struggle for breath once more.

"Live."

The words that followed then were not ones Cloud had been expecting, not that he'd known what was wrong with them. But deep inside his heart ached because somehow it knew that what was said was not enough, was not what he really longed to hear. For some reason it yearned for an apology it remembered being promised by a voice reaching out to him in the green mist, though he didn't know why. It cried out desperately for a declaration of love that he couldn't understand, yet founding himself needing to hear. And that in itself made no sense because he barley knew this man, didn't recall where they had met or how they had come to know each other. The memories buried so deeply within him now that he found it impossible to know why something about the stranger seemed familiar, why something called to him to just listen to what was said and promised that when the time was right be would be able to understand.

Somewhere within it all an oath was made to live, to be a legacy for the one who was clearly dying, and a promise spoken about keeping dreams and honour alive. None of it was truly understood by the blond as the rain washed away the others life along with his blood, mixing it all back into the soil as if it had never been to begin with. And it was with a heavy heart that Cloud had watched the light fade from loving amethyst eyes, his own filled with self-doubt about the things which had been said and an unjustifiable feeling of loss as they watched it happen.

Tears fell once more and mixed with the seemingly endless rain, another door in his mind bursting open briefly to show broken images of more recent things. A yellow truck carrying them towards somewhere important, someone who could help them. Words of comfort about everything being alright being spoken. A sad smile and regret in tired violet spheres before the face was gone and a blurred figure walked away. His own hand reaching out to stop it because he didn't want to lose him, not again, not like this.

Unexpected questions poured though Cloud's head like water escaping a broken dam, each one being lost just as quickly as it had come as it was swept away by the force of it all. How could this person, Zack, walk away after everything they'd shared together, after everything they'd begun to mean to each other? How could he just stop loving him like that and pull away? Had it all been a lie, or had he done something wrong to upset the soldier? Had he made a mistake, been a failure for this person too, and disappointed them in some way?

Once again the flow of thoughts was shut off by the slamming of doors within his head, the rising panic subsiding just as quickly because the reason behind it no longer existed. He couldn't afford to think about those things here, didn't want to remember why thoughts of this person hurt so much, and couldn't face the answers that might be found by digging too deeply into his own mind. Instead he let it all drift away again and rose to stand with a newly acquired sword in his hands, the weight being heavy in his grasp and for some unknown reason adding a burden to his heart as he turned and began to walk away dragging it behind him.


End file.
